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Tom Attea
“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes. "I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you. "I sent them by Multi-Verse Mail to all the planets projected to have life on them that could read. As far as the earth goes, I addressed it to NewsLugh.com. I figured it would exist about the time the news would come in especially handy. Why a humor magazine? Hey, I think I’m a bit of humorist myself. "Sorry, but I have to be a little vague about the participants in the meeting, because they’re all very high up the totem pole of the universe and like to keep out of the spotlight. But I assure you that my notes are accurate. "I thought I’d start with the invention of sex, since that seems to be the foundation of a lot of things. This particular invention was a tough one because we weren’t sure how to make it work. "For instance, some of the participants wanted direct physical contact. Others thought the male could mail his sperm to the female, and she could deposit it in an egg bank. "Direct contact between the two, though it seemed like a daring idea at first, won on its overall merits. "Then the question became, should it feel good or not? I’m happy to say that feeling good won by a unanimous vote. After all, we want you to like us. "Looking back, I think we made the right decisions, not only about sex, but about everything. And, speaking of everything, you'll find how it was invented in my notes, too, or, at least, the highlights, like land and water, air, light, people, other animals, plants, and details like gravity and magnetism. "I hope my doodles help you understand why things are the way they are and appreciate our handiwork. Nothing would make me happier. "In conclusion, I just want you to know we did our best.” Now, who on earth could doubt the authenticity of such a self-evidently true document? The inventions will be presented in the order received in the priceless manuscript. Here’s the first one. Once we voted to go ahead with the idea of the universe, we had to deal with a lot of details. In fact, the day after we took the vote, we had a crisis on our hands. If there was going to be something in the universe besides vacant planets and underutilized suns, especially something that might enjoy our big achievement, the item or items would have to have a way to replicate. We didn’t want to have to show up every time the job had to get done. At first, figuring out how it would work sounded easy enough. Who knew how many complications there would be? I’ll just give you the top line. Here’s how the discussion went. “I know we’ve all put in a long day,” the CEO said, “but nobody goes home till we put the lid on the reproduction issue, OK?” Everybody agreed with the big boss. So tonight would be the night we invented sex. I became excited just thinking about it. Since I can’t identify the participants anymore than I do, you’ll just have to make do with the dialogue. “Are we sticking with the idea that most of them are incomplete in themselves?” “Anybody want most creatures to be hermaphrodites?” Nobody raised their hands. “OK. So now we have these two halves. Let’s pick a species so we can see what we’re talking about." “How about human beings?” “I can go with that. What do we call the two halves?” “How about men and women?” “As in male and female?” “Right." "I like it. So back to the reason we’re working late. How do they reproduce?” “Since there are two halves, they’ll need some way to mix things together, so a third thing results, right?” “Sounds on the money. So what do we call these two things?” “How about the male has this thing we call a sperm, and the woman has this other thing we call an egg?” “Brilliant. Now we have a sperm and an egg. Where do we go from here?” “You mean, how do they get together?” “Yeah.” “What if the male mails his sperm to the female?” “It arrives in her mailbox?” “Right.” “Might die on the way. Remember, in the early days they won’t know about all the benefits of freezing, just weather-related incidents.” “You’re right. We have to give them time to discover advanced stuff for themselves.” Here’s where I got in my big suggestion. “Hey, I have it. What if we provide each planet with an instruction manual?” “Why would we do that?" the boss wanted to know. "We decided to give them brains, didn’t we?” “Yes, boss, but, you know, even an alarm clock comes with an instruction manual. Don’t you think an entire planet could use one?” “It would save the inhabitants a lot of grief,” a pal of mine volunteered. “No, no, we’re smarter than that," the big boss told us. "We can create creatures that can figure things out for themselves, or I’m ready to scrap the entire universe project right now.” “But, boss – “ “ – Look, would you buy a car that comes with a mechanic in the trunk? No. If we build the universe right, it should be able to drive out of here and do just fine on its own, OK?” “OK,” I said, “just a thought.” Since that was the CEO talking, I knew I had to give in. But I knew right then what a great service it would be for me to keep good notes. “Now, back to the sperm and egg. What happens next?” “I have it. What if we do direct deposit?” “How would that work?” “Well, we’d give the male a tube and the woman a receptacle. He puts the tube in the receptacle and delivers the sperm.” “Where’s the egg?” “Where else? In the receptacle. Only way up there, so it’s safe.” “Like it. Sounds like a plan.” “Hold it. Are we sure the male should have the tube?” “Let’s just say for now, one half has a tube and the other half has a receptacle.” “How do they work with that setup? They’d have to be mighty close.” “Hey, that sounds interesting.” “What?” “Being mighty close. It might even help them like each other.” “Hmm, do you think they’ll need help with that?” “Who knows? Probably in some cases. I don’t see any downside.” “OK, so they get close. What happens next?” “You mean, how does he make the deposit?” “Right.” “What do you think? He puts it in the receptacle.” “But how does he get it in there? Wouldn’t his tube have to be stiff?” “Probably be a help to them.” “Right. But should it be stiff all the time?” “I don’t’ think that’s advisable. How would he, say, run from wild animals or look uninterested when he thought it would be attractive to a memeber of the female half?” “Doesn’t sound like good design to me. Let’s match form and function here. It’s only stiff when he needs it to be. OK?” “Sounds right. So how does it get stiff?” “I have it. What if they hold each other in their arms?” “Yeah, yeah, go on.” “And they rub their bodies together?” “Why?” “Let’s say it makes them feel good – and we tie feeling good in with stiffness. He feels good, up it goes.” “What about the female half? Shouldn’t she feel good, too?” “Seems fair to me. Hey, I just thought of a win-win situation.” “What’s that?” “She feels good and helps the process along by creating some lubrication to help with the tube.” “Fantastic tie in.” “We’d have to build that into the nerve endings.” “I think we can manage that. The better they feel, the happier they are, right?” “Before we get carried away with all this feel-good stuff, let’s ask a more basic question. Should it feel good to replicate or should it be painful?” “Do we want them to do it or don’t we?” “After all the work we’re doing to get them to the point where they’re on a planet and ready to go for it, we better want them to.” “I’ve got a build on that. What if we make it feel so good they can’t resist doing it?” “Now, there’s an outstanding thought. You mean sort of an insurance policy that, no matter how dumb they might be in some things, at least, they’d reproduce, so some smarter people might come along.” “Right.” “Terrific concept. So let’s go for it. All in favor of making sex feel so good they can’t resist doing it raise their hands.” All the hands went up. “OK, that’s it. Motion carried. Boy, are these creatures ever gonna love us. Anything else?” “Well, we have to think of everybody. So, good as it feels, there are bound to be people who somehow decide sex isn’t a good thing.” “Are you kidding, with all the benefits we’re loading it with?" “Who knows, guilt of some kind?” “About what? We’re making the design choices, not them.” “Of course. But you know how much we like variety. What a joy to see all the molecules combine this way and that! So we have to plan for everything. What do you think? Should the naysayers be able to resist doing it?” “I think those few who have a negative viewpoint should be able to decline, but I think we should make it really tough for them. It’s the solid middle ground.” “I can accept that.” “Good." "Now, I want to get back to the design thing for a moment. They’re rubbing their bodies together. They’re feeling good. What happens?” Tom Attea, humorist and creator of http://NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs." Article Directory: Article Dashboard Other articles from Humor... |
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