New York has just been ranked as the safest of America’s ten biggest cities in 2005, where, according to the FBI, about one crime was reported for every 37 people. This is the second year in a row that New York has been named America’s safest big city. How scary is that?

While Mayor Michael Bloomberg was quick to say the report ''shows that our innovative efforts to reduce crime and increase New Yorkers' quality of life are working,'' the bigger question is, just what is going on in our other nine biggest cities? Easygoing murder? Robbery as a workaday job? Really bad in and out of marriage spats?

And guess what city among the leading offenders has the highest crime rate? You guessed it: the apparently unruly metropolis of Dallas, where the FBI checks in with about one crime for every 12 people. One in 12 people is involved in a crime within the space of a year? Does that make you scared to go to the mall or what?

Just in case you thought you were living in a city that’s safer than New York, here’s the spooky rundown: San Jose came in second safest. LA came in at number three. San Diego was fourth. Chicago, Philadelphia, Houston, San Antonio and Phoenix followed in that order.

Now, here’s the kicker. On a national basis, violent crime went up by 2.3% last year, but in Gotham violent crimes – including murder, rape, robbery and aggravated assault – fell by 1.9%.

So, in case you’re paranoid about living in a big city, head for New York, where you can feel safer than ever.

Just don’t do two things: Do not, whatever you do, go for a run in Central Park after dark. You can’t run fast enough. And at night stay on the avenues as much as possible and, whatever you do, don’t enter dark tunnels or side streets that give you the creeps just looking at them.

You don’t want to ruin New York’s safest-city reputation, do you?

Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

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