Drumsticks along the Tabletop — God's Penman

Finally, the house was quiet and I was relaxing in my favorite recliner musing on the activities of the day. Just a few hours previous, the house was clamoring with the noise of my family celebrating another Thanksgiving Day together. My wife is in the kitchen putting the final touches on the cleanup activity that finished a few moments ago.

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The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period - Second Half;The Invention of Everything — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

“Really?”

“Yeah. We figure, why make the creatures think about the billions of things that will be going on to keep them alive. We want to free them up to think about their lives, do things they actually want to do, and, my favorite subject, think about and discover the given.”

“The given?”

“What the universe is made of, how it works, etc.”

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New Study Shows The Good Life May Be The Short Life — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Love the good things in life? So we do.

Unfortunately, a new study shows that if you're content with voluntary starvation you can live longer. The proof is in the monkeys.

One rhesus monkey was put on a calorie-restricted diet, while the other one was allowed to eat till content. You already know the disgusting result.

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Lou, The Chimp. 98% Human And Still Going Strong After 40 Years In A Cage — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

We knew chimpanzees are a 98% genetic match for humans. We didn’t, however, know Lou, a 42-year-old chimp who was born in Africa and brought to the U. S. when he was two.

In the season premiere of “Nature” on PBS, called “Chimpanzees: An Unnatural History,” we learn that Lou lived in New Mexico, where he was the object of a variety of medical experiments. They were, we are told, often risky and painful.

Then the documentary provides much better news about humans, who, according to the same biology, are 98% chimpanzee. We learn that there are some people who are dedicated to making Lou’s remaining years, as well as those of other chimps, more enjoyable.

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More Good News About Booze — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

A new medical study has provided more good news about booze. There is an ingredient in red wine that apparently really does prolong life, at least, the life of mice.

How do we know? In a recent study, mice that were fed all kinds of artery-clogging foods and fattened up were given huge doses of the elixir, while other mice were just fattened up. Despite being obese, the cardiovascular systems of the lucky mice on the regimen remained healthy – so healthy the researchers, at no less than the Harvard Medical School, rushed to publish their findings even before the study was complete.

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Celebrities Provide The Third Answer: Fame With Power — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The usual cynic’s choice is to ask, what would you rather have, fame without power or power without fame? Yet even a cursory look at contemporary society reveals that celebrities have managed to devise a third choice: fame with power.

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The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period;The Invention of Everything, An Eyewitness Account — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

At last, we came to the final meeting. It was time to invent details like gravity and magnetism. Then we were scheduled for a final question and answer period. I was waiting for the right moment to bring up my idea that every planet that would have life that can read should come with an instruction manual.

“Well, what do you know? Here we are, at our final meeting. How long do you think we need?”

“It should go pretty fast.”

“Good. Did you prepare an agenda?”

“Yes, I did. I thought we’d start with gravity, move on to magnetism, confirm food, and then cover a few elements of environmental variety that we haven’t discussed, like snow.”

“Snow? What’s that?”

“Something that happens to rain when it gets colder. I’ll get to it later.”

“What about the Q and A session?”

“I believe we scheduled that for the end.”

“Good. Then, please, proceed.”

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Presidential Prospects of John Kerry Not Very Merry — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Although John Kerry was not very merry when he lost his bid for President, he continued to maintain that he deserves a second chance. He might have had one if it weren’t for two very significant obstacles: Hillary Clinton and John Kerry.

There is little he can do about the allure of Hillary. Though she’s a member of the party that seems determined to be at odds with the inclinations of most Americans, she might have so much appeal that she can pull off a Presidential win.

But a more significant obstacle for Senator Kerry is the Senator himself. Veteran politico that he is, he seems to have run his own swift boat into the rocks. How could he have allowed himself such an egregious misjudgment as to state before a university audience that anybody who doesn’t study hard could “get stuck in Iraq”?

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Iran Continues To Star As The Mouse That Roared — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Hardly a day goes by that we don’t hear diminutive Iran roar like a lion about its nuclear ambitions. Or growl about its mighty power by launching yet another flight of missiles. Yet among the world’s most powerful nations Iran remains inarguably diminutive. So, regardless of all the bluster, it can never be more than the mouse that roared.

The powers that be can observe and even indulge Iran, but they know quite well that the mouse better behave itself, because they can always give in a backhand and send it sprawling across the floor and scurrying back into its hole.

Are we attempting to make fun of the descendants of the Darius? No. We have a more considerate goal.

Our intention is to reveal that the efforts of its leaders to brandish weapons and pretend to be a superpower are unwisely conceived. They hope to be what, due to their nation’s size and resources, they can never be.

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Surprised Again! Our Most Powerful Vote Is Not Where We Spend Our Money — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Most days we all feel pretty powerless, except for where we decide to spend our money. Now, that’s real voting power!

Yet every couple of years we’re reminded that we actually do get to vote for the people who will lead the nation. Contemplating our returning power, we start to feel a strength even greater than we get from voting with the almighty dollar. Our growing cynicism gives way to hopes for improvement. And we realize once again that our most important vote really is who we vote for as the captain and officers of the good ship America.

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Form Of Argument Used By Terrorists Not In Aristotle’s Rhetoric — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

As the body count mounts in Iraq, it has become evident that the terrorists, along with the homicidal sectarians, have developed a new form of argument that is not found in Aristotle’s Rhetoric.

The philosopher’s civilized inclinations never prompted him to include, among such acknowledged forms of argument as Argumentum ad Populum and Argumentum ad Hominem, the terrorist oratorical mainstay, Argumentum ad Homicidium. In other words, argument by murder.

We might also note that Aristotle neglected to include it even though he himself had to flee threats against his life by his former, and apparently much disgruntled student, Alexander The Great.

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What If Everybody Promised Not To Kill Anybody For Just One Day? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Now, here’s a radical idea. As we see the body count pile up in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa, along with the daily occurrences of murder worldwide, including right here in the gun-toting USA, we ask ourselves, wouldn’t it be wonderful if everybody would promise not to kill anybody for just one day?

Imagine, an entire 24-hours without a single person being killed by another person? One day and one night without having to see a tearful human being lamenting the murder of someone they love.

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Bush Rows Upstream In Iraq, As In Up Niagara Falls — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

President Bush continues to row upstream in Iraq, even though the current seems to pick up speed every minute. In fact, he seems to be rowing up Niagara Falls. But he just keeps on going, despite the fact the majority of Americans are standing on the venerable Niagara tour boat, The Maid of the Mist, and calling out to him to quit already.

Apparently, the roar of the falls is too deafening for him to hear them. While he presents the appearance of flexibility, his goal remains the same: a peaceful, secure, and democratic Iraq. Does that sound like a fairytale or what? And can somebody please tap him on the shoulder and tell him fairytales don’t usually come true?

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Halloween Takes A Hit; Ghosts And Vampires Are Now Scientifically Impossible — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

As if Halloween isn't in big enough trouble because of the ability of the everyday world to spook us, two of the fright night's favorite ways of horrifying children have now been declared scientific impossibilities.

A scientist, determined to disabuse the public of its belief in the preternatural, has proved mathematically that vampires can't exist. Using a calculator, he determined that if a vampire sucked one person's blood each month and, in the process, turned every victim into a vampire, who in turn began to bite other people at the same rate, after just a few years the entire human race would be vampires. To be exact, he started on January 1, 1600 with just one vampire and the current human population of 537 million. According to his calculator, by July 1602 normal folks would have vanished. Since that doesn't appear to be the case, the existence of even one vampire has apparently had the stake put in its heart.

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Clever Vladimir Putin Says He Won't Run For A Third Term — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Vladimir Putin, the elected 3-time czar of Russia, announced that he will not seek a fourth term. In doing so, he dutifully tipped his hat to the Russian constitution, which forbids anyone to run for more than three terms.

Yet the former KGB wiz, while managing to present himself as likable, indicated that he would still remain a power in Russian politics.

"Despite the fact that I like my job, the constitution doesn't allow me to run a third time in a row," he said, while his supporters have already called for a referendum to amend the laws so he can stay in office.

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