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If Embryos Could Talk — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com An embryo was relaxing when a female clinician approached the little glass dish in which it was defrosting after a long time in the freezer. Senate Offers Outlet For Bipartisan Feuding: Will Install Boxing Ring — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com The Senate, recently more rancorous than usual in terms of bipartisan backbiting, decided to offer an outlet for the aggressive behavior by voting to install a boxing ring. In an effort to allow for the widespread lack of physical conditioning, all fights will be limited to one round. George Bush Finally Discovers Foreign Intrigue — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Can you believe it? George Bush, the foursquare flatfoot of diplomatic dexterity, has finally discovered the nimble art of foreign intrigue. Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats. About Time: Somali Woman Flogs Islamic Leader — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com An Islamic woman in Mogadishu finally did it: she inflicted eleven lashes on an Islamic leader for threatening to flog her for selling cannabis. Iran Provides “Multifaceted Response” To UN: Launches Ten Missiles — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Iran provided its long-promised “multi-faceted” response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction. OK, The House Is On Fire. Which One Do You Save First -- The Baby, The Old Testament, The New Testament, Or The Koran? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny. Demagoguery For Dummies: How To Convince People You’re A Saint, Despite Explosive Evidence To The Contrary — Tom Attea How can a demagogue who boasts of kidnapping and killing and whose woeful misjudgment has reined down death and destruction on his own country be hailed as a saint? Is this demagoguery for dummies or what? Are The Fighting Irish An Overlay In Georgia? — Bob Acton August 24, 2006 (Chicago, Il) – The Notre Dame Fighting Irish have been getting a ton of press this off-season with the return of Brady Quinn to the helm and the momentum that has been established under second year boss Charlie Weiss. My Life Would Be Carefree, If It Wasn't For MySpace — Timothy Ward It was time to get serious and start thinking about the important issues in life. I needed to decide where I was going in life, what my plan was for the future. I needed to realize who my true friends were, who liked me for me and not for my generous nature after a few beers. I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to get in touch with the real me. I needed to come up with a cool username for my Myspace account. 5 Surefire Ways To Get Over Your Ex — Timothy Ward After mountains of letters, tons of emails, and numerous phone calls at 2 a.m. that consisted solely of sobs and sniffles, I have decided to address the issues of breaking up with and getting over ex-lovers. Grass That's Stronger Than Weeds — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com If you think you've got a weed problem, you haven't met the genetically engineered grass that was recently found growing in the wild near field tests of the mighty new tendril that were conducted a few years ago. What The Dell? My Laptop Just Exploded! — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Dell, which can’t seem to avoid ad slogans that substitute its name for hell, has recently found itself confronted with the apt inadvertence of its laptops bursting into flame. Facing such a deleterious constraint on the eagerness of consumers to buy the explosive creations, the company has agreed to recall 4.1 million of its incendiary notebooks. The Case Of The Terrorist Violin — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Now that terrorism, not fear of flying, has become the primary anxiety in the air, some of the most inconvenienced among travelers are classical musicians, attempting to fly from one worldwide concert hall to another one, while their suspect Stradivari are scanned and prodded or they’re urged to check their instruments. Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time. |
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