Infiltrating the Democrats: Dos and Don'ts — Andy Borowitz

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon ordered a team of burglars to break into the Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington, D.C., to steal the Democrats' plans for the upcoming election. While this burglary and the subsequent cover-up became known as the Watergate scandal, the real scandal, from the Republican point of view, was how few plans worth stealing the Democrats actually had. After ransacking party headquarters, the best that the Watergate burglars could come up with was a cocktail napkin with the words "Nominate a Liberal" scrawled on it. All in all, such a "secret plan" hardly justified all the time, effort, and money we put into breaking into the place.

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Top 10 Ways To Fail Your Driving Test — Kevin Gallen

Top 10 Surefire Ways To Fail Your Driving Test

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Scientists Discover Oldest Skeleton Of Human Ancestor; Report Face Looked Like Hugo Chavez. — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The most well-preserved skeleton of an ancestor of homo sapiens has been discovered in Ethiopia. The skeleton, dating back about 3.3 million years, is a member of the evolutionary group known as Australopithecus Venezuelas and had a face that looks remarkably like Hugo Chavez.

Scientists have yet to determine if the homonid retained tree-climbing capabilities. Apparently, its arms hung below its knees, and it had a short neck like a gorilla. As they free more of the skeleton from the sandstone in which it was found, they will be able to determine if it did climb trees.

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The Clever Bluegill Sunfish: It Can Detect Toxins In Water Better Than A High-Tech Wonder — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

This week we’re excused from having to pick our Clever Monkey of the Week from the human performers on the world’s stage, because they’ve been outdone by the bluegill sunfish. This clever denizen of just about every pond and lake in America is, we learn, helping to protect the water supplies of major US cities like San Francisco and New York.

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New Program Allows Internet Marketers To Gather Information About Your Body — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

While you’re sitting at your computer, thinking the worst that could happen is somebody could steal your identity, you’re about to discover than someone is scanning your body.

New Internet marketing tools, which have become so increasingly sophisticated we are often surprised that forms we fill out online already know what we’re going to write in the blanks, have now gone beyond mind games to body maneuvers.

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Noam Chomsky Gets A Bestseller The Incriminating Way — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Noam Chomsky, the innovative linguist on the left, went from the relatively placid life of a leading scholar to a major presentation by Hugo Chavez at the UN, who held up as recommended reading one of his many books, with the hefty title, “Hegemony or Survival: America’s Quest for Global Dominance.”

Apparently, Chavez has as much influence as Oprah. The book, though published in 2003, shot to the bottom of the NY Times Bestseller List – ten out of a possible ten, but still a rather astounding up-tick for any serious work in poli-sci.

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The Invention Of Land; An Eyewitness Account - Part Two of The Invention of Everything — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Now, it came time to invent land. First, we had to tackle a big question: Why should there be anything, instead of nothing? Here are my notes on the meeting:

"OK, today is the day we invent – what did we decide to call the dry stuff?"

"Land, boss."

"Thanks."

"May I say something?"

"Sure."

"Before we go and invent land, let’s ask the big question. Why should there be anything, instead of nothing?"

"Why? You like nothing better? Sounds kind of empty to me."

"Boring!"

"Well, we’re here. That’s already something."

"True, and, as long as we are, don’t we want to do something constructive?"

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Chavez Bedevils Pres; Rangel To The Rescue — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

At least, Washington can agree to come together to defend one of its own. The politcos did just that in response to Hugo Chavez calling President Bush “the devil” in a speech at the United Nations.

Commendably, Representative Charles Rangel, a New York Democrat no less, came forward fittingly irate to say, “I want President Chavez to please understand that even though many people in the United States are critical of our president, that we resent the fact that he would come to the United States and criticize President Bush.”

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Iranian Woman Is First Female Space Tourist; Agrees To Wear Spacesuit — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Just when we thought all Iranian women were contentedly hiding behind their veils, what do we read but one not only made it to America but just made it into space?

The daring and successful Anousheh Ansari, who grew up in Iran dreaming, not of memorizing the Koran as a safe substitute for original thought, but of space, has become the first female space tourist.

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New York Is The Safest Big City; Now, That’s Scary. — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

New York has just been ranked as the safest of America’s ten biggest cities in 2005, where, according to the FBI, about one crime was reported for every 37 people. This is the second year in a row that New York has been named America’s safest big city. How scary is that?

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Diverse New Life Found In Pacific; Set To Take Over If Humans Blow It — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Recently, scientists discovered 52 new species in the Pacific off Indonesia.

Elated, Mark Erdmann, a U. S. scientist who led surveys there this year, stated, “We feel very confident that this is the epicenter of marine biodiversity” on the planet.

They immediately urged that the precious area receive protection from commercial fishing.

What they did not reveal is that the clever fish are diversifying just to make sure there’s plenty of life, at least in the Pacific, to keep the earth humming as the center of it in the solar system, just in case humans blow it on land.

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Bin Laden Dead Or Alive? Since Nobody's Sure, We Wrote Both Articles. — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Bin Laden Dead

Osama Bin Laden is dead. We know this for certain, because, after five years of knowing only that he had access to a tape recorder, we were bound to know at least one thing about him that is certain.

Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

While for an instant most of the world lived in the hope that the world's most detested man is dead, their leaping spirits were soon dashed on the hard rock of reality.

Regrettably, Osama Bin Laden has not yet kicked the turban.

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What If The Most Powerful Nation On Earth Was Iran? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Is everybody happy with the way the US is behaving as the world’s most powerful nation? No? Well, when has everybody ever been happy about anything? So let’s think about what other nations might do a better job.

What if Russia had won the cold war? How much do you really enjoy vodka? And do you long to drive a Zil?

How about if China hadn’t decided that military conquest would be too self-destructive and opted to give economic conquest a go? Wish you could dress like Chairman Mao? Or wonder when you look at the rulers in Beijing why you never see a woman? Could there be such a thing as the wonton ceiling?

Now let’s move ahead to the contentious moment in which we find ourselves. Who qualifies as being especially pestiferous? Who else? Iran can. And the leaders there seem to think they have all the right ideas, not only for their own repressed populace, but as the way the whole world ought to conduct itself.

So let’s go with that. Iran is now the most powerful nation of earth. What happens?

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The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account - Second Half Of Part One, "the Invention Of Everything" — Tom Attea

(Suggestion: Read The First Half of Part One First)

“What?”

“Brush burns.”

“What do you mean?”

“What are we making the skin out of, vinyl?”

“You’re right. Hey, I have it.”

“What?”

“We take an idea right off the top of their heads.”

“What’s that?”

“Hair. We put some hair down there, sort of like a cushion.”

“Long hair like they have on their heads? That might complicate things.”

“I have it. What if we make a special kind of short, fuzzy hair? F...

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The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account - First Half Of Part One, "The Invention Of Everything" — Tom Attea

An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:

“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.

"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the ...

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