What You Need To Know To Become A Comedian — David Fishman

People say you’re funny. You’re always making people laugh. It’s something you enjoy doing and when people laugh it is the ultimate reward. You fell like you understand comedy, and now you want to take it to the next level by becoming a professional comedian.

But, being a stand-up comic and comedian is a lot different than making a joke and waiting for your friends to laugh. With comedy, you need to be conscious about the audience, learn about stage presence, and write jok...

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Microsoft Introduces Zunetti. The First Music Player You Eat. — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Microsoft, in its ceaseless quest to out hip Apple, has just introduced a music player of its own, called Zunetti.

In announcing the dazzling mini-innovation, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer highlighted the advantages of the new device over the iPod.

It's even thinner than the iPod Nano but a little longer - about the size of a strand of spaghetti.

But here's the big advantage that Ballmer emphasized. You don't just listen to it. You eat it. So the music really becomes part of you.

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Clever Monkey Of The Week: Tony Blair, For saying “mad anti-Americanism” among European diplomats isn’t fair. — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

he U. S. may be down and out as far as current allies go, but we still seem to have at least one ally without an alibi: Tony Blair, who has just dared to say that the world needs America to help deal with the world’s most acute problems.

In a pamphlet published by The Foreign Policy Center think tank, he said, "The danger is if they decide to pull up the drawbridge and disengage. We need them involved."

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Angry People Get More Heart Attacks; Nice People Delighted — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The reformative news is in for nasty people – and nice people, who often wonder if there is any justice in the world, are delighted.

Studies have shown that those with a personality sometimes called type D, which some say stands for “distressed” but we think should stand for Downright Nasty, have an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes.

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Lady Macbeth Just Won’t Make Her Exit; Now She’s A Syndrome — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Anybody who has wended his or her way through the linguistic excellences and frequently petulant schemers in Shakespeare’s plays longs, at some point, to say to Lady Macbeth herself, “Out, out, damned spot!” After all, how much can anyone take of such a relentlessly scheming prod to the plot of Duncan’s uninvited demise and Macbeth’s unmotivated remorse. Perhaps Macbeth’s own murderously ambitious temperament can be traced to having to live with such a harridan.

At any rate, the bad news for us is that the unpleasant lady just won’t make her exit. Now, some behavioral researchers, in a bit of a stretch to lend cultural embellishment to their not-entirely-revelatory discovery, have named a syndrome in her dishonor.

It appears that people who do things they consider wrong, such as lying, cheating, or stealing your identity, often feel better after they wash their hands. Apparently, a lot of these guilt-ridden malefactors wash their hands with manic frequency.

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Russell Peters – A Comedy style that creates the newest Cultural Laugh-In. Laughter the Best Medicine Especially Laughing at Yourself — Bizbites

Well researched cultural comedy characterizes the stand-up comedy of Russell Peters from Toronto Canada. Take the hard hitting, sometimes brutal, audience interaction comedy of Dom DeLuise and replace it with a witty dialogue that has the questioning ability of a journalist coupled with a genius to mimic and contrast subtle cultural differences of Asian, European and North American born peoples. Go see Russell Peters Live!

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The Invention Of Sex; An Eyewitness Account Part One of The Invention of Everything — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

An unexpected manuscript showed up in our inbox. We were immediately convinced of its authenticity and decided we had to share it with you. It was accompanied by the following note:

“Hi, there. How’s life working out? Who am I? That’s for me to know and for you to guess. Let me just say that I witnessed the invention of everything. And I kept good meeting notes.

"I wanted every planet to come with an instruction manual, but my suggestion was a nonstarter. I decided the next best thing I could do is release my notes. I hope they help clarify things for you....

Once we voted to go ahead with the idea of the universe, we had to deal with a lot of details. In fact, the day after we took the vote, we had a crisis on our hands. If there was going to be something in the universe besides plain old planets and suns, especially something that might enjoy our big achievement, the item or items would have to have a way to replicate. We didn’t want to have to show up every time the job had to get done.

At first, figuring out how it would work sounded easy enough. Who knew how many complications there would be? I’ll just give you the top line. Here’s how the discussion went.

“I know we’ve all put in a long day,” the CEO said, “but nobody goes home till we put the lid on the reproduction issue, OK?”

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Senate Wonders If New Kind Of Warfare Requires New Rules; Forgets How Colonists Picked Off Redcoats — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The Senate is debating whether or not guys who go by the rules of the Geneva Convention can defeat guys who torture people and shoot them in the back of the head. Even Colin Powell jumped in and said he thinks we should adhere to the Geneva Conventions in order to protect the safety of our own troops, as if the terrorists are likely to observe the rules if they get their hands on our troops.

George Bush, on the other hand, thinks the Geneva Conventions ought to be as malleable as Silly Putty.

Certainly, there’s an acceptable middle ground. After all, the norms of behavior that inspired the Geneva Convention relate to the usual sort of warfare, where there is at least some semblance of honorable conduct. We find ourselves in a time when the enemy knows nothing about the traditional norms of combat. They are, as we know, thugs who perpetrate torture and murder as expedients to causing as much outrage as possible and, perversely enough, they work their barbarisms in the name of their kidnapped God.

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Oui, Monsieur, The French Are Not Immune; Si, Signore, Even The Pope Must Do The Rope A Dope — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

In a world caught up in effects, with scant attention being paid to causes, we find that France – which has, in the understatement of the current issue, abstained from a full-throttle commitment to the war on terror – has gotten its terrorist wakeup call. Al-Qaeda announced it had formed a union with Algerian insurgents who consider France their enemy. The deadly duo have agreed to work together against French and, you guessed it, American interests.

Naturally, the terrorist Jack in the box, Ayman al-Zawahiri, popped up in a video to reiterate that God is on the side of the murderous plotters and hail "the joining up" of the gruesome twosome as "good news."

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New Surgeon General’s Warning: Caution: Eating Spinach May Be Hazardous To Your Health — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The surgeon general, noting the widely publicized outbreak of e.coli in 20 or so states, has issued a new health warning on spinach.

There were, of course, comments aplenty in the press about the possible effects on Popeye, The Sailor Man. But what about Olive Oil? Could she escape, especially since she, no doubt, made the salad the sailor man got his grand mal from? T

he FDA finally tracked down the source of the bacterium, which is an outfit in California known, appropriately enough, as Earthbound Foods, aka Natural Selection Foods, where, it seems, cleanliness is next to nonexistent.

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Quick Question: Does God Advocate Murder? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

It appears, scandalously enough, to be the question Islamic terrorism foists on us. Of course, there are times when a chancy question can diplomatically be allowed to slip by unanswered, especially by a humor magazine. But there are also times when, instead of slipping by, it just keeps putting itself in your face. On such occasions, apparently, the only way to deal with it for ourselves and our readers is to address it.

We became even more convinced of the necessity as we experienced another ineffably sad 9/11.

So here we go, back to Theology 101.

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Israel Weighs Recognition of Palestine’s Right To Exist — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

After decades of refusing to admit that Palestine has a legitimate right to exist, Israel inched toward possible approval of the idea it has opposed as part of its militantly anti-Palestine platform. Palestinians, who have by now grown used to the belief that they are the ones who get to decide which state has a right to exist, were bewildered by the surprise announcement. They also puzzled over whether it meant that they really ought to acknowledge Israel's right to exist.

The Hamas faction of the proposed unity government remained particularly puzzled, demanding Israel explain exactly what it means by its recognition of Palestine’s right to exist. Hamas also insisted that any recognition of Israel's right to exist could only be addressed after certain recurrent provocations by Israel were ended, such as militant Jewish grandmothers acting as suicide bombers and malcontent Orthodox Jews firing rockets into Gaza and the West Bank that are loaded with matzoh balls.

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U. S. May Become Nonaligned Nation; Cites Worldwide Ingratitude — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

In case you haven’t heard, there is a brash new movement afoot to make America a nonaligned nation. The principal motivation behind the movement is worldwide ingratitude for the sacrifices America has made for the benefit of other nations, while getting back precious little in return, materially or even in simple gratitude.

Certainly, the group maintains, the payback in either form has hardly been commensurate with the sacrifices America has made in life and treasure. The members cite, for example, the summit of nonaligned nations in Cuba, where the attendees, who Jimmy Cagney might have called “you dirty, double-crossin’ rats,” delighted to blow Cuban cigar smoke at the U. S.

The new movement, which traces its origins back to the will of the founding founders, who proclaimed that America should avoid permanent foreign entanglements, is preparing a new flag, much like the familiar Colonial rallying cry in cloth: "Don't Tread On Me." It is being sewn by a gifted seamstress in New England, named Victoria Albatross. The flag will highlight the sentiment of the movement, “Suckered In Never Again!”

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A Funny Story- Who Stole My Curry? — blueboy

This is a true story about something which happened to me around ten years ago. It is a story I have told to many people and it always seems to raise a smile and a few laughs, I hope you enjoy it to.

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Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert — Tom Attea

The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary of the interminable train of vitriolic videos out of the insane mind of Aman Al-Zawahiri, the Egyptian pediatrician turned c...

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