Halloween Tricks for Trick or Treaters — Suie Roberts

Kids love to Trick or Treat, at Halloween. But this year its time to get your own back. This year the trick is on them! When they knock on the door and gleefully say Trick or Treat? You can give them a trick that looks like a treat - a chocolate covered Brussel Sprout! Happy Halloween!

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Dunce And For All — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came out, dunce and for all, about the proper conduct of a university and its head, saying, "Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers are present in the universities."

To justify his abridgement of intellectual excellence, he recounted his lifelong self-study as an amateur astronomer, saying, "As a dimwit, I've observed the sky with special interest, and I noticed a long time ago that the moon and stars only shine when the sun is gone. By such observations, I learned how to be a bright start in the Islamic heavens, in fact, so bright I became the President. So out with the sun! "

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NewsLaugh's Clever Monkey of the Week: King Abdullah -- For OK, If Obvious, Talk In A NO-K Time — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

We were in a downcast mood, seemingly without any hope of hearing from an enlightened person in the Middle East, when suddenly there was the level-headed man from Jordan, King Abdullah, speaking, in a Time interview, about what needs to get done in his region so the nations over there can finally start to have some fun.

Early on, he admitted the infinitely understandable, "I'm one of the most optimistic people you'll come across. For the first time, I started becoming pessimistic towards the region."

Yet he went right to the central point. He thinks the Palestinian-Israeli problem has to be solved. “Are we going to resign our region for another decade of violence,” he said, “or are we going to put this to rest once and for all?"

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Scientists Discover Gene That Controls Stupidity — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

In a breakthrough of enormous consequence for the general conduct and happiness of the human race, scientists at Johns Hopkins have announced that they have identified the gene that leads many a bright high-school and college student to become, as adults, inexplicably stupid.

“This is the gene all right,” one of the researchers commented. ‘You take it and implant it in a normally intelligent mouse, and suddenly you have it doing more stupid things than you can imagine, like biting itself in its own foot, running into walls, and trying to pick up a cheese cutter to attack another mouse with.”

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The Complete Melodious Mo And A Way To Go — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

If you’re a fan of Mozart – and what lover of classical music isn't? – here’s melodic news and a cheerful way to pay.

A Dutch label called Brilliant Classics has just come out with a bargain edition of The Complete Works of Mozart. Since the composer is indubitably the Viennese confectioner of the world’s most delectable ear candy, you may long to have the complete edition, even if you’ll have to listen to hours of baby bonbons. And now you can get the all-encompassing compilation in a whopping 170-CD collection for about $120.

Buying it is a no-brainer, especially compared to the priceiness of the complete works long out of Phillips, which retails in the $900 range.

Yet the Phillips edition is consistently delightful and an invaluable tribute to melodious Mo.

So which way do you go?

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Tony Blair To Resign As British PM; May Run For US Vice President — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Tony Blair announced that he will step down as Prime Minister of England within a year and give up leadership of the Labor Party, which has been increasingly upset with his performance and approval ratings. What Mr. Blair did not announce is that he is just plain fed up with not being properly appreciated by his own party and nation, and he has conducted a secret poll of his popularity in the US.

Dismayed, he discovered that his approval rating is higher than President Bush’s and even higher than Hillary Clinton’s and Rudy Giuliani’s, the two leading American candidates for the next presidential election.

Aware, however, that a person born outside of the US cannot become president, at least, until supporters of Arnold Schwartzenneger are able to change the law, he has decided that he will be quite happy to run for vice president.

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Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert To Islam — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary of the interminable train of vitriolic videos out of the insane mind of Aman Al-Zawahiri, the Egyptian pediatrician turned child killer, and decided to rebut the distasteful propaganda with a salvo of their own righteousness.

The leaders gathered in a video production house in New York. Here are highlights, as recorded:

Jacques Chirac, who was allowed to take the lead, in honor of the French role in the Enlightenment, pleaded with Muslims to convert. Chirac maintained some vagueness about just what he was inviting Muslims to convert to but finally managed to state that they should “convert to the ways of the modern world, by which I mean peaceful coexistence. And while you are considering changing your ways, I want to recommend that you convert from falafel to French pastry.”

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Chavez On US Oil Find In Gulf Of Mexico; Result Of Leak From Venezuela — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

President Chavez of Venezuela, responding to the Chevron discovery of new oil reserves in the deep waters of the Gulf of Mexico, which more than double America’s known reserves, stated, “What do these gringos mean – new oil reserves? These oil reserves are the result of an oil leak from Venezuela.”

A reporter asked, “How have you been able to determine that, President Chavez?”

“No problem,” Chavez said, reaching into his pocket. “I have an oil-pressure gauge that I carry with me at all times, and I check the pressure in Venezuela’s oil wells every single day.”

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Farewell To The World’s Favorite Croc Jock — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Here’s to Steve Irwin, the world's favorite croc jock, who entertained us with his ebullient pursuit of the reluctant crocs, pythons, and assorted non-human inhabitants of the earth.

How inappropriate it seems that he met his terminus as the result of an encounter with a stingray gone wrong. We would have thought his comeuppance would have resulted from the lucky snap by a disgruntled croc.

Fortunately, we have the videos to remember him by, but their good-natured enthusiasm for all creatures wild will forever be leavened with sadness about his stingray-crossed fate. We offer our condolences to his family.

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What? An Iranian With A Good Thought In His Cranium? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

What do you know? There’s at least one Iranian who still has a good thought in his cranium? It appears that Mohmmad Khatami, the mullahland’s former Pres is just such a resilient and commendable gentleman.

During his two-week trip to the USA – interestingly, the mullahs behind the rascally current President allowed his visit and, not only that, our security personnel let him in – he wisely acknowledged, “In the crime of 9/11, two crimes were committed. One was killing innocent people. The second crime was masking this crime in the name of Islam."

He presented three goals for Muslims that are actually welcome. "Your responsibility and our responsibility is to be first a good citizen in whatever country you live; to try for yourself and your children to move up the ladder of social achievement and education; and third is to fight the vague Islamophobia that has been created by those who don't have the best interests of Islam at heart."

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Kofi Annan, The Middle East Repairman; Can His Handiwork Keep The Peace? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

Secretary-General Kofi Annan sped to the Middle East with his UN emergency repair kit to do maintenance work on the quick fix the UN implemented between Israel and Hezbollah. Only trouble is, his traveling handiwork doesn’t seem as much like the permanent fix as all the world would like to count on. Even while he was cobbling the warring factions together, his work looked more like duct tape that could unravel as quick as a speeding bullet.

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Exploring Comedy Groups — Robert Michael

Are you looking for a comedy group that offers something for almost anyone then enjoy!

1. A funny, improvisational show that is played out as a sport is called ComedySportz. Entertain business associates, your family and even church groups at a show such as this.

2. Two teams make up games, scenes and songs on the spot to gain points, as well as, laughs. There are referees to call fouls and the National Anthem is sung before each game. The audience votes for their favor...

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Iranian Kook Rejects Nuke Rebuke, Despite Fluke — Tom Attea

The combative president of Iran continued to reject a resolution by Western nations that his nation stop its development of the atomic bomb for peaceful purposes, even though, through some fluke, inspectors from The International Atomic Energy Agency discovered new traces of highly enriched uranium at the bully mullah nation’s leading nuclear bomb factory.

They also discovered traces of the potentially explosive material as the result of two previous flukes. But the curren...

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England Contemplates Drunk's Dilemma: To Stand Or Not To Stand? — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

England's tipple-till-you-topple pub culture faced a new dilemma, as police in Preston, Lancashire, decided that frequenters of the brew houses should sit down while they intoxicate themselves.

Why? After careful measurements, the authorities have determined that mates who are standing have a longer way to drop. So they're more likely to hurt themselves.

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The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins — Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com

The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida.

Roger L. Reep, who, along with a small group of other researchers, has discovered that trichechus manatus latirostris is not the slow learner it has forever pretended to be. In fact, while manatees are definitely slower moving than dolphins, they’re just as quick at learning tasks. Only they’re harder to motivate, because they won’t leap for fish.

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